Angry...at God

God. Such a convenience.  Easily praised in the good times; yet so often the first to be blamed in the midst of the bad. He is so wonderful when life goes smooth but hit a bump in the road and the finger pointing begins. I have witnessed, time and time again, the scenario of devout believers losing all faith when tragedy strikes. Don’t get me wrong, terrible things happen, truly faith-shaking realities - a child dies, cancer appears, leaders fall. But those are the times we turn to God, not walk away, right?

A relinquishing of faith was an action chalked up to “they must not have ever truly believed.” Those neat and tidy words were supposed to suffice as an adequate reason for this person no longer being welcomed in our circle. Now I tend to believe those words are a cover up for a profound lack of understanding. 

All I could confidently say in times past was where I stood on the matter and that was, “I will never lose faith in God. I have seen and experienced far too much to ever walk away, let alone blame Him for my circumstances.”

Accusation

As soon as my brain was able to configure the words being spoken at me into a decipherable measure, I felt my hackles raise just a smidge and the urge to argue heightened beyond the hackle-raising. Mouth open and words a-coming, I barely manage to reel in my defense before the hooks set. Instead, a rare moment of self-control arrives. I fancy myself teachable and able to hear what other insight might be forthcoming. With a nod and quiet “thank you”, I tuck this rather one-sided conversation away for further dissecting. 

This was all fine and good until two days later another coworker uttered the same sentiment to me. To say I am surprised is an understatement. To say I wonder if they are in cahoots is not such a wild stretch of the imagination. But in a more reasonable reflective moment I know it is best to sit with the accusation and see exactly what I think of it and if it is possible there is some truth to their frank observation. 

With the purest of intentions, both friends began their conversation with me with a “I know you’ve been angry with God…” line.

Say what? Me? Angry at God??!! How crazy and far from the truth could they be? I rack my brain for recollection of any conversation we may have had in which I said anything of the sort. I come up empty. Those words most certainly did not come out of my mouth, but apparently they were oozing out of my soul. 

I hike. I sit meditatively. I ponder and question and relentlessly defend myself to myself. Still, I am not able to see what they see. If I dare, I need to pay attention to this. Am I angry and where is it being directed? 

In the Face of Honesty

Honesty comes hard especially when looking inward. I’ve been around believers in God my entire life. It has been a blessing and a curse. But, friends, this is what we are here for = to learn and to grow from each other.

Surprise, surprise, when I allowed myself the space to be honest, I had to admit I was angry. Not so much at God, but more so at the realization a chunk of my faith was contingent on my circumstances. Yup. I was no further a saint than all those I had pitied due to their lack of faith. None will go through life without its bumps in the road.  Mine are tiny compared to some I know, yet I weathered them stoically, feet firmly on the Rock, until a subtle storm came for me with devious underpinnings that shake me to this very day. My story is so common, I almost feel ashamed to be so affected. Add to that a lifetime of spiritual learning and practice, how could it be that buried in the depths of me I actually believed “because I had been good, because my intentions were pure, because I had sacrificed… then I will be spared, or I will be rewarded or somehow things will “get fixed”. Where's my blessing? Such baby faith. 

Like a tornado that destroys a cozy community, there will be disruptions in our earthly lives that derail us. There’s just no getting around it. 

Me. You.