Now That I Have a Soul

No matter how loud I turned the radio or how gently I stepped on the accelerator, I could no longer deny something was wrong. Topping off the oil nearly every week was beginning to get old. People were beginning to stare as I thumped into parking spots not to mention I was finding myself a wee bit reluctant to go very far. After one more “second opinion” the message was clear: “Your vehicle is a ticking time bomb. It’s only a matter of time before x, y or z happens and then…”

What’s a girl to do? My meager savings wouldn’t cover a bike let alone a different car. And you just never know what you are getting with a used vehicle. If I was going to do this on my own there was only one way to go - buy new. The thought of a car payment was a bit daunting, and it seems counterintuitive to spend more than one has but that is the way this world works.

Research is conducted, advice is sought, much deep breathing and stilling of heart happens till the day I clunk into the dealership. I have Resolve and Reason packed and ready to be pulled out at the first hint of salesman pressure. I think I have some intelligent information stored in my brain to be weaponized at will. Regardless, I need a new car. 

I stroll in with purpose and steely calmness. And so it begins.

Despite my cool demeanor I must still look like “the little lady” because one of the first questions is “what color would you like?” Color?! Seriously?! I am not concerned about color. I am looking for budget friendly, highly rated quality and control. Color is the least of my problems! I state the make and model according to my research and demand a test drive. 

Red.

What? Drat! Red is the only color you have? Color doesn’t matter but isn’t there any other option??

Suddenly I am flustered and what are my points? Gas mileage? What is that? There’s a buzzing in my head. The test drive is over. The salesman is still talking. My eyes are glazing. It’s been hours. Do I really need a car? I surmise I must be some sort of a reckoning force because I keep getting new offers and deals. Oh, dear, Salesman is returning with a broad grin of victory on his face and his hand is outstretched for THE handshake that will seal the deal.

I’M NOT READY! But I feel almost hypnotized. My hand is involuntarily moving forward. All I can do is snatch my hands back and tuck them under my armpits so I am not sucked into this trickery. I will not be taken advantage of! If his surprised wide-eyed reaction at my response is any indication, I look ridiculous with hands pinned under pits. I give him the dreaded “I’ll think about it and let you know.” then flee for the freedom of the outdoors and treachery of my paid off clunker.

Pacing. Sweating. Barely functioning. How can I make this decision? What if…what if…so many “what ifs”. In the midst of my restless sleep that night, an argument arises. I argue back but my resolve and belief are weak. And it is here in the dream shadows I realize I don’t believe I deserve something nice. And this belief has seeped into many areas of my life. A brand-new car? That’s for other people. We - I - am the stuff of hand me downs, cast offs, and it’s okay I can make this work, make it better kind of deal. Where did this thinking get its beginning? And where has its nourishment come from through all these years? I can’t be sure, but I am struck with a vision of sudden clarity and at the same time regretful sadness. How much do we restrict from our lives because we don’t believe we deserve it? 

Far too often we live unnecessarily in a deprived state ruled by this cruel dictator of lies and oppression we unwittingly instituted. We hold ourselves prisoners when freedom is our heritage. 

I arrive at the dealership door at 9:01 sharp (so as not to appear too eager), wade through the paperwork and drive off in my new little red car.

What Else?

 It will be weeks before I can fully allow myself to embrace the gift of ease. A brand new car with working everything! To drive without a care. And this little cherry red inferno? It’s really kind of pretty; definitely stands out in a crowd. It’s not that I “deserve” great things in my life, but more like opening clenched fists of striving to accept the good gifts that abound to aide in my thriving. 

As I bask in “new car smell” my mind wanders back through this past busy, somewhat confusing year. Now that I have a soul (a Kia Soul) what else have I failed to recognize or appreciate in my life because it was "too good" for the likes of me? This list is just the beginning:

• Travel and adventure = Alaska, California, 34 hikes
• Good meaningful employment
• Love and forgiveness
• The promise of a new life in 2024
• Good health
• Connection of family

2024: Shall we just grab hold of all the good things that come our way and simply be grateful?

What a concept!